Jin Guangyao | 金光瑶

Er-ge Sect Leader Lan,

Attached to this letter you will find your ribbon.

I cannot in good conscience keep this. This is sacred, something given to your soulmate. And if you had wanted me to wear it out of pity or guilt it is no longer sacred.

I know that your intentions were good. Your intentions are always good Sect Leader Lan. You were surely worried about breaking me further or hurting me.

But sometimes good intentions are not enough.

What is supposed to be an anchor then becomes a shackle. I do not wish to be tied to someone out of obligation. It is too painful, too familiar for me.

It is too much like being in the cold and empty marriage bed that I shared with my sibling for more than a decade. Tied to each other because I thought I was helping her by shouldering this secret.

I broke myself.

I cannot keep breaking myself for you, either. I cannot keep twisting myself into a mask that is comfortable for you. I know that refined nobleman is easier to deal with. No messy emotions. Just poise and elegance. But the price I had paid to keep up that self was high. I just shoved everything deep inside and only allowed it out in solitude. I think after my death my ability to hold my mask is impossible. All the emotions I had held for so long, were pouring out constantly. I have been more unstable than I have been in my entire life.

But I was holding back a lifetime of pain. No amount of copying doctrine is going to fix that.

I love you. That is an inalienable fact. My love is unconditional. I had loved you the day you crossed my path in Lanling when you were on the run. I think those were the simplest days for me. Just being a simple youth with you. I was so happy.

I loved you when I pushed you away with the last bit of strength I had as I died. I know you resent me for it. I did it because I didn't want you to carry the burden of my death. I did it because I didn't want to imagine a world in which you were not alive. I love you still.

You brought me a sense of safety and peace with your presence over the years, an oasis in a raging storm. I loved you for that.

I love Nie Mingjue, I love Nie Huaisang. I loved Qin Su as well. I love a lot of people who hurt me. I hurt a lot of the people I loved.

I can't seem to help that.

I realize now the only person who had ever loved me unconditionally was my mother. Why do you think that I built her a temple and made her the goddess of compassion?

You had said when we last spoke, that you will never love me as much as Mingjue, That you do not like me, do not trust me.

There is nothing left after that.

I find that I cannot trust you. That I don't know you. You don't really know me. We were both so enamored with those false selves we presented to the world. That there was nothing when Huaisang ripped those masks away.

And as we are. I think it is best if we maintain distance from one another. We wound one another with our presence and we both need to heal.

I have decided to do what Huaisang is doing. I am moving away from Koi Tower, I need to heal. I cannot do so surrounded by the place that hurt me.

I am not writing this to be hurtful. I never wanted to hurt you. Even now.

I want you to be aware of your own limitations. I want you to be aware of the things you close your eyes to.and be aware of the benefits you had from my labor.

Please look after yourself in the meantime. You hadn't eaten at the banquet, these are your favorites. The gentian is a gift for your mother, I had acquired it before you had disappeared. Perhaps someday we can get to know one another again. I would like that to be a future to look forward to.

Thank you and I'm sorry.

Signed,
A-Yao Jin Guangyao,
Sect Leader of Lanling Jin